“I’m going to kill every last one of you.” Inner thoughts, on my Eren Jaeger shit.
It’s a flash thought though, for sure. One that pops up when I see cases like George Floyd.
“Fuck it. It’s war.” That’s another thought.
I wonder sometimes where that anger comes from. Or rather, I question my options. What I want to do with my justified anger. What I want to do out of fear for my life, cuz it feels like that sometimes. You know what I mean right, Black people?
You know that understanding. It’s incredibly easy and strange to put yourself in the place of that person being choked, or shot, or pleading with the police…only to still be choked or shot.
“This can’t be real. They set this up. This is too classic yo.”
Then you start to think, “Nah this is real. They really feel this way…this hatred and fear towards us, so they really just treat us like dogs. This is really happening?! This is really happening…”
Hmm… “I’m going to kill every last one of you.”
Shit, at least before you kill me, right?
Yo hear me out,
Sometimes when my dog, Morty, bucks up and starts walking around the house like he pays bills or something, I snap a lil bit. It’s like the audacity of this guy! All you do is live off what I do for you, and I work extra damn hard just for you. Don’t ever think you own something.
Same way with certain parents, am I right?
It’s that Cosby show, “I brought you in this world, I can take you out.”
The inevitable inner complex that comes with power transitions.
Same way with whomever created this rhythm of violence for the Black community. They don’t want us ever thinking we’re strong. They never considered us on the same level.
My dogs a fucking dog. That’s how I see it. Sure, I have my own exceptions and considerations of how he’s a living creature too. Sure. But I’m VERY comfortable with knowing he’s a dog, I establish rules and guidelines, and he in the end, will listen or undergo more training until I tune him the way I like.
That’s how I think.
And that’s what I see they view us as.
It’s so sad.
I wonder, how much power do they have, and what changes and dents in their gates really matter?
That’s why holding on to my hate is so hard. It’s like Tupac said, “They don’t want you active while you’re young and angry.”
We get tired.
But…I feel like the degradation of the African American is so deep, it’s difficult to constantly suppress that violent thought. That “I’ll kill every one of you…before you kill me.”
Its outta fear and rage.
While I’m young and angry, and afraid, because I don’t know how far their power reaches, one thing I know I can do is share my feelings.
I can express myself. I can show you my slice of this cake, and regardless if you eat, at least that bitch is on display.
No, I have no intentions of harming anyone. It’s just a flash thought I consciously, and publicly, admitted to.
It’s not a flash thought for everyone though. Some act.
Publicly.
It’s just got me thinking, you know.
I’m just scared and angry.
I mean, aren’t you, power holders? Isn’t that why you do this? To make sure we never buck up. To make sure we know you “care” for us, or we need you.
To keep us in our place.
That’s the only thing that makes sense to me.
Through the power cycles I’ve held with my dog, students, and anyone who’s attention I commanded and they at some point felt obligated to give it to me, thus creating a sense of entitlement to their attention inside of me, this is what I felt.
Anger.
The how dare you ever try to bite the hand that feeds you. That feeling.
Well to hell with that. I’ll feed myself.
All of you, my friends, my people, go eat.
Been hungry for way too long. Go eat.
Remember to express yourself y’all. You never know, maybe your voice is the straw that broke the camel’s back… or at least you added to the landslide soon to come.
Hell, I’d rather contribute to the devastation than be crushed.
Yes, I want peace. Yes, I want equality. I’m just finally seeing more on the fact that there are sides. And they’ve been here for awhile.
And we a little hungry on this side. But not for long.
Go eat y’all.
Thought references:(Attack on Titan) (Cozz – Knock the Hustle) (Cosby Show) (Tupac) (Landslide -Fleetwood Mac) (This Side -EarthGang) (Express Yourself – NWA) (Dog owning/ Morty)
